Feb. 14, 2014

Friday, Feb. 14, 2014

My dad passed away at 3:00 a.m.  We got the call Thursday morning that he was having some trouble breathing and they were taking him to the hospital to get further tests and treatment.

By Thursday at 2:00, we got a call that he had phenomena (with his COPD, not a good combination) and that we should not hesitate to get to the hospital. 

So we packed up the kids and hit the road.  My brother was also driving and would meet us down there. 

My brother got there by 9:30, and we arrived by 10:30.  By the time we got there he was unresponsive, very slow pulse and low oxygen level.

At 2:30, the nurse said for us to go home and get some rest.  She was sure he would make it through the night.  We would be back at 6:30 when the doctor made rounds.

She called us back at 3:00, he was gone.

We had his funeral on Feb. 22^nd.  It was beautiful and lovely and we were so well loved and supported.

I’m sorry for my delay in writing this…we’ve had a lot going on.  And, I just am sad.

I’m so sad because I feel like I have lost my mom all over again.  I’ve lost my dad.  I’ve lost both my parents.  Does one ever really feel like they are truly ready to be on their own without their parents?  I know I was not ready.  I’m struggling each day.  I’m so sad that I have lost my family.  I’m so sad that my children have lost their grandparents, and will never really know them. 

So thankful for my amazing husband and my beautiful children, but I selfishly, want my mom and dad too. 

“So it’s true, when all is said and done, grief is the price we pay for love.” 
― E.A. Bucchianeri, Brushstrokes of a Gadfly

“Everyone grieves in different ways. For some, it could take longer or shorter. I do know it never disappears. An ember still smolders inside me. Most days, I don’t notice it, but, out of the blue, it’ll flare to life.” 
― Maria V. Snyder, Storm Glass

“Now something so sad has hold of us that the breath leaves and we can't even cry.” 
― Charles Bukowski, You Get So Alone at Times That it Just Makes Sense

The Child Becomes The Parent

After my Mom passed away in 2002, my Dad waited a year, and then moved to Arkansas to be with his brother and the trout.  He loves to spend time fishing on the rivers and lakes there.  It truly is beautiful country.

I always worry about him there.  His brother passed away last summer, and he's there in Arkansas by himself with no family to look after him.  He's getting older (almost 80 now) and has some health issues, main COPD (a form of chronic bronchitis)   A couple of weeks ago, we hadn't heard from him in over a week, and we couldn't get him to answer the phone.  A whole week went by, and no word.  Finally, my brother got a hold of him and learned that he had a fall in the house and just wasn't feel well at all.  He said that he called an ambulance and was in the hospital for a couple of days, but was home now, and doing fine.

Hmmmmm...doesn't sound fine to me???

Finally this last week he called and was very upset and asked that my brother go down and spend the week with him.  He felt terrible and needed help.  This is HUGE for my dad, as he is even more stubborn than I am and will not admit that he ever needs help.

My brother got there Monday and immediately took him to the hospital.  He was in rough, rough shape.  At the hospital they treated him for many things, including bed sores.

Today he is feeling better and being transported to a short term / rehab care facility.

So through all of this, I have had a tremendous amount of guilt.  Everyone says not to, but I do.  My poor Daddy was at home, for over 20 days, getting sicker and sicker, not eating, and I was just living my life.  I could have tried harder to get a hold of him.  I could of called the police to do a well check.  I could have done so many things.  I feel like a terrible daughter.

Now, my brother is with him, doing everything and taking care of everything because I can't really leave.  I have two small children, one of which has to be attached to me at all times to eat and I just can't get to him as quickly as I want or need.

Guilt.  Guilt.  GUILT.

The plan is to hopefully get him well enough to move him to a long term facility here in Kansas where my brother and I can be there to help take care of him and visit him much more frequently.

It just sucks when your life changes and your parent becomes almost another child that needs to be taken care of.

It also brings back so many memories of when my mom was so sick and I was calling family to keep them updated, waiting for the next doctor appointment and always a little nervous when the phone rings because it could be the worst news ever.

To The "@$*&" I Met Last Week

Before I begin my rant, I need to give some background on the situation, I'll try to keep it short.

I see a doctor frequently for the treatment of Plantar Fasciitis in both of my feet from my strenuous workout routine...long miles, pounding of cross training and group fitness take their toll on my arches.  Last week I went in for an "upkeep" appointment, when I met a new employee.

He was a short, but stocky guy.  If I had to guess, he spends a lot of time lifting weights, but probably couldn't run around the block.  He was working on my feet / calves and talking a lot.  I was answering his questions, but not really with much energy or thought as I was tired and just wanted to relax for a minute. Soon we got to the topic of my family; my precious kids.

And that's when he said it.

"Having kids ruins a woman's body."

I literally was in shock that this, MAN, who barely knew me, would say such a thing, or that he would EVER say such a thing to ANY woman.

I just stared at him with a look of complete and utter disbelief, but couldn't get my wits about me to respond.
He was at least smart enough to feel the tension in the room and try to change the subject, but I was long checked out of the conversation.

I have been thinking about this comment for the past week, and becoming more and more bothered and downright ANGRY about his ignorance and rudeness.

After thinking about it, talking to my husband, and stewing over it...this is the response I wish I could have given to his ill-informed, ignorant comment.

"Yes.  My body is different since having children, and so am I.

I am bad ass.  My body has made, from a few cells, two human beings.
I have brought these humans into the world through love, pain, and strength.
My amazing body then nourished these children, and other needy babies, giving them the nutrition and antibodies they need to grow healthy and strong.

I have a few stretch marks around my belly button now that I didn't have before.  Most people would never know they are there, but I know.  I refer to them as my tiger stripes.

My stomach is no longer bikini perfect.  My skin has been stretched and now I have a little extra.  I love that my daughter can see me as a real, imperfect woman, and know that I still love myself and think that I am beautiful.  I am hopeful that this will help her to always love her body and see herself as beautiful everyday.

My chest is larger and makes it hard to fit into many shirts, sweaters and workout tops.  But my larger chest is the perfect place for my son to fall asleep each evening.  He nuzzles in and feels the warmth and comfort that only his mama can give him.

I now have curvy hips.  I don't look like a fourteen year old teenage girl anymore, I have the hips and curves of a mature woman. When I lay in bed, next to my husband, the space between my hips and waist makes the perfect place to rest his hand.

So yes, my body is different...but it is far from ruined.  I love my new body.  Admittedly, it took me some time to appreciate my new curves, but with time, I have grown to appreciate and cherish each change.  I have more confidence, self esteem, and appreciation for my body than I ever did as a 22 year old.  My husband loves my body and still thinks...I got it.  ;)

I am a woman who is a bad ass, and you have nothing on me."