Feb. 14, 2014

Friday, Feb. 14, 2014

My dad passed away at 3:00 a.m.  We got the call Thursday morning that he was having some trouble breathing and they were taking him to the hospital to get further tests and treatment.

By Thursday at 2:00, we got a call that he had phenomena (with his COPD, not a good combination) and that we should not hesitate to get to the hospital. 

So we packed up the kids and hit the road.  My brother was also driving and would meet us down there. 

My brother got there by 9:30, and we arrived by 10:30.  By the time we got there he was unresponsive, very slow pulse and low oxygen level.

At 2:30, the nurse said for us to go home and get some rest.  She was sure he would make it through the night.  We would be back at 6:30 when the doctor made rounds.

She called us back at 3:00, he was gone.

We had his funeral on Feb. 22^nd.  It was beautiful and lovely and we were so well loved and supported.

I’m sorry for my delay in writing this…we’ve had a lot going on.  And, I just am sad.

I’m so sad because I feel like I have lost my mom all over again.  I’ve lost my dad.  I’ve lost both my parents.  Does one ever really feel like they are truly ready to be on their own without their parents?  I know I was not ready.  I’m struggling each day.  I’m so sad that I have lost my family.  I’m so sad that my children have lost their grandparents, and will never really know them. 

So thankful for my amazing husband and my beautiful children, but I selfishly, want my mom and dad too. 

“So it’s true, when all is said and done, grief is the price we pay for love.” 
― E.A. Bucchianeri, Brushstrokes of a Gadfly

“Everyone grieves in different ways. For some, it could take longer or shorter. I do know it never disappears. An ember still smolders inside me. Most days, I don’t notice it, but, out of the blue, it’ll flare to life.” 
― Maria V. Snyder, Storm Glass

“Now something so sad has hold of us that the breath leaves and we can't even cry.” 
― Charles Bukowski, You Get So Alone at Times That it Just Makes Sense

The Child Becomes The Parent

After my Mom passed away in 2002, my Dad waited a year, and then moved to Arkansas to be with his brother and the trout.  He loves to spend time fishing on the rivers and lakes there.  It truly is beautiful country.

I always worry about him there.  His brother passed away last summer, and he's there in Arkansas by himself with no family to look after him.  He's getting older (almost 80 now) and has some health issues, main COPD (a form of chronic bronchitis)   A couple of weeks ago, we hadn't heard from him in over a week, and we couldn't get him to answer the phone.  A whole week went by, and no word.  Finally, my brother got a hold of him and learned that he had a fall in the house and just wasn't feel well at all.  He said that he called an ambulance and was in the hospital for a couple of days, but was home now, and doing fine.

Hmmmmm...doesn't sound fine to me???

Finally this last week he called and was very upset and asked that my brother go down and spend the week with him.  He felt terrible and needed help.  This is HUGE for my dad, as he is even more stubborn than I am and will not admit that he ever needs help.

My brother got there Monday and immediately took him to the hospital.  He was in rough, rough shape.  At the hospital they treated him for many things, including bed sores.

Today he is feeling better and being transported to a short term / rehab care facility.

So through all of this, I have had a tremendous amount of guilt.  Everyone says not to, but I do.  My poor Daddy was at home, for over 20 days, getting sicker and sicker, not eating, and I was just living my life.  I could have tried harder to get a hold of him.  I could of called the police to do a well check.  I could have done so many things.  I feel like a terrible daughter.

Now, my brother is with him, doing everything and taking care of everything because I can't really leave.  I have two small children, one of which has to be attached to me at all times to eat and I just can't get to him as quickly as I want or need.

Guilt.  Guilt.  GUILT.

The plan is to hopefully get him well enough to move him to a long term facility here in Kansas where my brother and I can be there to help take care of him and visit him much more frequently.

It just sucks when your life changes and your parent becomes almost another child that needs to be taken care of.

It also brings back so many memories of when my mom was so sick and I was calling family to keep them updated, waiting for the next doctor appointment and always a little nervous when the phone rings because it could be the worst news ever.

To The "@$*&" I Met Last Week

Before I begin my rant, I need to give some background on the situation, I'll try to keep it short.

I see a doctor frequently for the treatment of Plantar Fasciitis in both of my feet from my strenuous workout routine...long miles, pounding of cross training and group fitness take their toll on my arches.  Last week I went in for an "upkeep" appointment, when I met a new employee.

He was a short, but stocky guy.  If I had to guess, he spends a lot of time lifting weights, but probably couldn't run around the block.  He was working on my feet / calves and talking a lot.  I was answering his questions, but not really with much energy or thought as I was tired and just wanted to relax for a minute. Soon we got to the topic of my family; my precious kids.

And that's when he said it.

"Having kids ruins a woman's body."

I literally was in shock that this, MAN, who barely knew me, would say such a thing, or that he would EVER say such a thing to ANY woman.

I just stared at him with a look of complete and utter disbelief, but couldn't get my wits about me to respond.
He was at least smart enough to feel the tension in the room and try to change the subject, but I was long checked out of the conversation.

I have been thinking about this comment for the past week, and becoming more and more bothered and downright ANGRY about his ignorance and rudeness.

After thinking about it, talking to my husband, and stewing over it...this is the response I wish I could have given to his ill-informed, ignorant comment.

"Yes.  My body is different since having children, and so am I.

I am bad ass.  My body has made, from a few cells, two human beings.
I have brought these humans into the world through love, pain, and strength.
My amazing body then nourished these children, and other needy babies, giving them the nutrition and antibodies they need to grow healthy and strong.

I have a few stretch marks around my belly button now that I didn't have before.  Most people would never know they are there, but I know.  I refer to them as my tiger stripes.

My stomach is no longer bikini perfect.  My skin has been stretched and now I have a little extra.  I love that my daughter can see me as a real, imperfect woman, and know that I still love myself and think that I am beautiful.  I am hopeful that this will help her to always love her body and see herself as beautiful everyday.

My chest is larger and makes it hard to fit into many shirts, sweaters and workout tops.  But my larger chest is the perfect place for my son to fall asleep each evening.  He nuzzles in and feels the warmth and comfort that only his mama can give him.

I now have curvy hips.  I don't look like a fourteen year old teenage girl anymore, I have the hips and curves of a mature woman. When I lay in bed, next to my husband, the space between my hips and waist makes the perfect place to rest his hand.

So yes, my body is different...but it is far from ruined.  I love my new body.  Admittedly, it took me some time to appreciate my new curves, but with time, I have grown to appreciate and cherish each change.  I have more confidence, self esteem, and appreciation for my body than I ever did as a 22 year old.  My husband loves my body and still thinks...I got it.  ;)

I am a woman who is a bad ass, and you have nothing on me."

Temporary

Sorry for the LONG lapse between posts!  I have literally been in survival mode!  Husband who travels, booming photography business, house to keep up, two dogs who drive me crazy, working at the gym, and oh yea....returning back to work from my maternity leave!  It's been a lot to handle, and at times, thought it might put me over the edge, but I see the light at the end of the tunnel!

I have had to accept that many things in my life are temporary right now.

Having a baby who wakes in the middle of the night 2 or 3 times to eat and snuggle, is temporary.  While I miss the sleep, I will miss the snuggles and alone, quite time even more.  He's my little snuggle buddy.

Having a 2 1/2 year old who doesn't want to sleep by herself, and only wants her mommy or daddy to be with her, is temporary.  While it is frustrating and a long process, I must also tell myself that in a few years, she won't want us to be with her all the time.  She won't want the snuggles and the time together...this is temporary.

My current post baby body....is temporary.  I hope.  :)  I've really struggled with the post baby body and missing my old self.  I miss my clothes in the closet and how they use to fit...but I keep reminding myself that my main job right now is to feed and sustain little buddy, and that once I'm done nursing, I will get my body back.  The phase I'm in right now is temporary, and I will be back once again.

But the hardest since going back to work, is fitting in my workouts, especially my running.  Every time I try to go, someone in my house is needing something.  Hubs is gone a lot, and that makes it that much harder.  I try to run early in the morning, but buddy wakes up, wants to eat and snuggle, and that's more important than a run.  After work / school, pick kids up, try to fit in a run on the treadmill while buddy naps and little girl watches her favorite cartoon, Caillou, but that has only actually worked out one time.  Something or someone always comes up. I try to go after all the kids are asleep, but lately, getting them down to sleep has taken hours, and by the time they are asleep I'm so exhausted all I can do is go to sleep.  So, I know that this phase of my life is only temporary, and soon I will be up early to run again, but right now...it's hard to accept.  But once again I must remind myself, it is temporary. 

The Birth Story - Part 3

I KNOW!!!  I'm still not done!!!!  When D's head was delivered, his shoulders became stuck.  I am not a big person, ALMOST 5 feet tall and just a little over 100 lbs when not carrying an almost 9 pound baby, so there just wasn't a lot of room for this little one to squeeze out.  As I was trying to push him out and my doctor was trying to deliver him, everyone got quite, and I didn't really notice, I was working too hard.  I later learned from Hubs that baby was starting to turn blue.  That's when my doctor did a quick episiotomy and literally pulled him out with some help from me of course!!  When he came out the bruises covered his body and he had one VERY cone head!!! (My doctor also had to use the vacuum twice.  Once to get past my pubic bone and once after his head was out to get his shoulders.)  He also was not moving his left arm.  After seeing his size and the trauma to get him out, and the arm, it was decided to call in the on-call pediatrician to come and check him out.  They were certain that his collar bone was broken and they wanted the doctor to check all the bruising and make sure it was from the delivery and not something else. 
AGH!  Will this day never end??  The doctor was there within 20 minutes and did a through check over of baby D.  YES, he was bigger than anyone imagined, but he was okay.  The bruises was from the tight fit, the cone head was fine and was already getting better compared to even an hour before, and his collar bone was not broken.  He was just going to be sore and tender.  I hear ya buddy, I hear ya.  So, finally, the labor and delivery was over and I had a healthy baby who I already loved more than I ever thought possible.
The next morning, after all the epidural was worn off, and the pain medicine was time to be taken again, I got my first taste of what I had done to my body. 
I have run many marathons, been through a lot of hard physical training, but nothing, nothing could prepare me for the complete all over body ache, sore, and PAIN that I was experiencing.  I literally could not even move my legs out of the bed with out Hubs help because everything hurt so badly.  He had to help me do everything and I couldn't ever be left alone because I couldn't even get my own baby out of the cradle without help.  I was in rough, rough, shape.  After Miss M's birth I was up and moving within hours!!  I was running again within a week!!  Now...I didn't know if I would ever be able to walk again.  I was hurting...bad.  Finally by the time we were to leave the hospital on Wednesday, Aug. 28th, I could "walk" SLOWLY, but at least without the help of another person.  As long as I stayed current on my pain meds, I could at least move.  I have slowly gotten better each day, but still need my pain meds and wonder if I will ever be the same again!!!  I'm starting to turn the corner, which is giving me some more hope!!! 

The Birth Story - Part 2

So we left off on Sunday evening, August 25th.  Hubs, after a thousand questions of "Are you sure you are okay?" decided to go to his Fantasy Football draft with his phone in his hand at all times. (He can be a little over dramatic when he's excited!!)  I called some other wives of friends who had hubbies at the draft to make dinner plans. We decided to meet for Mexican at 6:00.  At 5:00 I noticed a contraction that had some power to it and made me pause for a moment.  I didn't think much of it and went on with the evening and getting Miss M ready for a night out.  We got to dinner and enjoyed a ladies night out.  I of course was having contractions the whole dinner, but still in denial. Miss M and I got home from dinner and Hubs called to get the report.  I had started timing the contractions when we got home to see if there was any consistency, every 6-7 min.  I told Hubs the update, but also told him not to worry and to stay and finish his draft.   I don't think he was too convinced.  Meanwhile I took a bath, took care of the dogs, and got Miss M into bed.  Hubs was home by 8:30 and by the time he arrived, the contractions were hurting and every 5-6 minutes.  He convinced me to call doctor at 9:00.  I was told to come to hospital when contractions were 3-4 minutes apart.  I still was not convinced this was real labor so I got into my PJ's, into bed and started reading my book.  Hubs was packing the luggage with last minute things and loading the car.  He had me text the friend who would be staying with Miss M. to ask her to come over, just in case.  By 11:00...I was convinced, these contractions are not going away and they are getting longer, stronger, and harder.  We needed to go to the hospital and I was very uncomfortable.
We got to the hospital by 11:20.  I was checked in and told that they would check me in an hour and if I had made progress, I would be admitted. Okay....another hour of these contractions, I can do it.  A slow hour passes, they do a check and I went from a 1.5 Friday night, 3 when I got to hospital on Sunday, to a 4 in the hour!!  Yea!  I was official...this baby was coming.  Thank goodness.  We started the process for an epidural, which takes about another hour.  Finally at 1:45 a.m. I was comfortable with an epidural and trying to get in some shut eye.  I had been progressing beautifully and everyone thought that I would have a baby by 7:30 that morning.  My doctor was coming in at 7:00, so the joke was to try and hold off until then so my doctor could deliver.  My water was being stubborn and not breaking on it's own, so the on call midwife broke it at 5:30 a.m. After my water was broken, I had a terrible bout of nausea and spent some quality time with the little blue barf bags. Ugh.  Not fun....ever.
At 7:30 my doctor came in to check me and I was at a 6-7, and progress was slowing a little, so she suggested some Pitocin to help make the contractions more consistent and stronger. I agreed, let's get this party started.  I got some Pitocin and the official shift change happened.  We got the same day nurse as we had when we delivered Miss M, so Hubs and I were excited.  She is excellent.  We said our goodbyes to the night nurse, who we went to high school with, and made her promise to come and see us in recovery that evening.  She agreed and wished us luck!
So....time started to tick by, and each time I was checked, there was no change.  6-7 cm...hour after hour.  My nurse was trying all the tricks up her sleeve and had me moving and changing positions so much I felt like an acrobat! Side to side, sitting up, on hands and knees...flip, flop, flip, flop.  The Pitocin was cranked up, but not really making a difference. I was really starting to get discouraged, but still trying to stay positive.   Then, I felt the cramps.  Small at first, but still there.  They quickly turned into all out painful contractions with NO break between them because of the Pitocin...just one constant contraction.  They called the anesthesiologist, but he literally took an hour to get there.  He gave me a quick reboot and I was feeling better right away.  Everyone in the room thought it was strange, but just happy that he got me comfortable again.  Tick, tick, tick...hours, hours, hours. No change.  Each time they checked me, I started to feel more and more discouraged.  At around 11:00, my doctor came in for the talk that I knew was coming.  The possible "C-section" talk.  I lost it.  LOST IT.  C-Section was the one thing I did not want.  I live a very active life style and need my abdominal muscles to stay intact!!! Dr. D. was so patient with me and said, okay, let's keep going.  We know you've done this before, we can do it again.  Hubs during this day was amazing.  So patient and encouraging, trying to keep me calm and positive.  He was my rock.  At 3:00 it happened again...I felt the cramps coming back again.  And then the full on, steady contractions.  Another hour of hell and my third anesthesiologist!!  This time the doctor came in and tried to "reboot" the epidural again, but it only partially worked.  So I had to get a whole new epidural...all while having these horrible, never ending contractions.  This was my breaking point, and I'm going to be honest, it was not pretty.  I was a mess, Hubs was trying everything he could, doctor was upset, everyone was just tired.  Especially me!!  Finally, he got me the drugs and A LOT of them and I felt much better and comfortable again.  So back to the waiting game...and the hoping. Still no progress at each check, but my doctor said that my cervix was VERY flexible and soft, just needed the added pressure of the contractions pushing the head down to move it and I would be complete in no time.  Finally at 6:00, we were all done and decided something had to be done.  Either deliver or C-section.  My doctor said that she was willing to try and deliver vaginally if I was willing to.  She said it would be hard because I didn't have the contractions to help me and it would be all me and my strength.  She was basically asking, could I do it?  I had no doubts and I was determined to do it.  Anything to avoid a C-Section!!!  So I started pushing at 6:30 at 7 centimeters.  With each push, my doctor physically helped to push my cervix around the babies head.  After 2 contractions / pushes, I was complete!!  We did it!!  I still had no real help from my uterus, but after 40 minutes of the hardest work of my life, Baby D came into the world!!!  HE WAS HUGE!!!  As his head popped out, my doctor said, "Well that explains it all!!  Your a big baby!!!"  Next came the shoulders, but he was stuck.  The doctor had to do some "magic" and finally the baby was born!!  Everyone in the room was busy and no one remembered to tell me...boy or girl!!  Finally I said, "What is it?"  and my doctor beamed, "BOY!!!"  I was so happy and so surprised!!!  I always had an intuition that it was a boy, but just couldn't make myself believe it was a boy...but here he was, our baby boy!!!!  26 hours of labor, 3 epidurals, a close call to the operating room, and he was here!!!

The Birth Story - Part 1

We are so excited to let you know that we have a new family member....a baby boy!!!!  He arrived Monday evening, Aug. 26th at 7:09 p.m.  His arrival though...is quite the story.

It all started on Wednesday, August 14th, in the evening.  (Now, I'm going to warn you that this blog post has a lot of TMI, so if it bothers you, bow out  now...)  I had to go back to work on the 12th, so I had only been back for a couple of days.  When I got home that evening, I felt rather "slick" down there, so decided to check things out for myself.  Sure enough, at the bathroom check, I discovered that I had lost my mucus plug!!  YEA!!!!  The following day I went to work and had terrible lower back pain and cramps...all day long, no matter what I did or didn't do.  I called my doctor to give her the update and she confirmed, I was in prelabor and could go into REAL labor any minute....or in a couple of weeks.  Awesome.

So...fast forward to Friday, Aug. 23rd.  I had felt good all day (which at this point in my pregnancy was a rarity).  For the evening we decided to head downtown to go to the Buskarfestival.  A fun annual event downtown where "street acts" perform everywhere along the streets...a fun, fun event!!  We headed downtown, got dinner, walked around watching several shows....acrobats, magic, pogo sticks, and many more!! When we walked past my favorite ice cream shop, of course we had to stop! We got our ice cream, I sat down, and whoosh...wet.  My underwear was SOAKED!!  I just sat there a minute to make sure everything was done, then went to the bathroom.  My underwear was wet, really wet, and it certainly didn't smell like pee...but it also wasn't like when my water broke with Miss M....no HUGE gush!  I put on my extra pair of panties (yes, I always carry extra underwear when pregnant!) and went out and told Hubs, his first question with a huge, ornery smile, "Did you pee your pants?!?!"  Very funny.  So we finished our ice cream and decided to walk around some more.  Within a few minutes of walking around, it happened again!!  I didn't have any more underwear, and at this point, Hubs was starting to get nervous, so we decided to head home.

Once we got home, I cleaned up, put on another pair of underwear, and it happened again!!  Much less, but still again.  I decided to call my doctor to see what she thought.  She quickly said to come in and get it all checked out.  Great.  So we went to work ~ getting Miss M to bed, feeding dogs, packing last minute hospital bag items, and calling someone to come over and watch the girl. We had some issues in this area.  Our original plan was not answering phone, so we started down the list of others.  Finally found someone to come over and, almost 4 hours later after first "wetting" incident we were headed to hospital.  Once there, I was hooked up to machines and started testing.  I was having contractions...but only the Braxton Hicks.  After an hour it was decided that it was NEGATIVE for amniotic  fluid and I was sent home.  Okay....fine....whatever.

Saturday woke up and had a normal day...except Hubs was nesting, big time.  He went to the grocery store and bought A LOT of food and made 14....YES FOURTEEN frozen meals and did other little "to-do's" around the house.

Sunday morning I woke up with terrible low back pain and cramps....again.  This time when I went to the bathroom it was "the bloody show".  Great...here we go again....

I took some Tylenol and then headed out the door because I was meeting a family for pictures bright and early.  Hubs thought I was crazy and not over pleased that I was going to keep the appointment.  My whole day was the same....cramps, backache, and bloody show.

Hubs had his fantasy football draft and was asking my opinion if he should go. I of course said, go, nothings going to happen....again.....it's the same prelabor stuff.  I did say, maybe don't drink a whole lot, just in case.

Stay tuned for part two soon!!!